


Reparation

by yusahana6323



Category: the GazettE
Genre: Abuse, Angst, M/M, Punishment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-10 13:59:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,725
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6959788
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yusahana6323/pseuds/yusahana6323
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Aoi had agreed to this punishment. For Ruki, it was only fair that he give everything back.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reparation

    There was no light in Ruki's usually-bright eyes as he looked down at Aoi, and Aoi couldn't blame him in the least. He bowed his head, giving way to Ruki's cold stare, and instead looked down at his hands that were clenched on the floor. Already his knuckles were white, and he couldn't deny he was a bit nervous. But he had put himself into this willingly. Too willingly.

    "Stay."

    Aoi made sure to not move at all, barely even to breathe, as Ruki walked away. He felt simultaneously blank and full of guilt and grief. Even when Koron came over and sniffed and yipped curiously at him, Aoi didn't twitch or even blink. He sat in the almost-silence, hearing only the distant murmurs of movement from deeper in the apartment and the sound of his heartbeat, which seemed too loud now. When he felt like his head was going to split from the palpitation, he heard Ruki's footfall come back and he quivered into quiet. The steps stopped beside him, and he felt something firm against his shoulder.

    "Quiet. Not a sound."

    Aoi bit his tongue to obey the command. Not even a second later, it came down on him, switching him sharply, and it took all his strength to not yelp or cry out in pain. Even with clothes on, the blow hurt. Ruki didn't slow down, but continued hitting him, down his shoulder and back. Each strike stung and branded more guilt into him, reminding of him of what he had done. A cruel Ruki wasn't natural. But it was Aoi's fault he was this way. He had turned Ruki into this.

    A switch hit on a patch that had already been beat, and despite his efforts, Aoi whimpered in pain. The punishment stopped. Even so, he cringed, knowing a stricter one was coming.

    "I said, not a sound."

    "I'm sorry, master."

    "Don't talk."

    A swift and sickening kick hit his stomach, and gagging in pain, Aoi crashed to the ground. He held his stomach tightly, trying to keep sounds of pain out of his throat while his body shuddered and tried to recover. The crop was falling again, marking stinging rain down his face and hands. All he could do was try to make himself silent and take it, even when he felt skin split under the abuse.

    When Ruki stopped, Aoi could hear his heavy breathing. He didn't dare move, just staying lying in a vulnerable position on the ground. He wouldn't even twitch, for fear that it would anger Ruki again. It was better to show he was docile to the other's demands anyway. At length, he heard Ruki come closer, and he felt the small but strong hand grab a handful of hair. He yanked it, sending pinpricks of searing pain through Aoi's skull.

    "Up."

    Grimacing, Aoi pushed himself up onto his hands and knees and let Ruki drag him by the scalp into the kitchen. Ruki shoved him down by the counter, and Aoi pushed himself into a sitting position, keeping his head down to show his submissiveness. He listened to his master moving around, the clink of dishes, the hum and ring of the microwave. Within a few minutes, a bowl was set in front of him.

    "Eat it."

    Obediently, Aoi leaned forward to the bowl and, as cleanly as he could, began eating the half-warmed stew. It was hard to not spit it back out - it tasted terrible like this - but somehow he managed to fight it down, swallowing hard to try to clear his throat of the thick, grainy meal. Another bowl was set down beside it, and he immediately plunged to it to drink the crisp water. It felt so good, washing away the stew, helping him swallow. He didn't realise how thirsty he was, even.

    Ruki didn't allow him much time; almost as soon as he had finished the better part of his food, he was grabbed by the hair again and unceremoniously pulled into a corner of the living room.

    "Down."

    He lay down on his side, curling up as tightly as he could to take up less space.

    "Stay."

    Ruki left him there, and Aoi lay without moving, his body aching in protest at his positioning. He could feel each strike still, burning his skin. But he couldn't complain. He deserved it. Ruki had every right to treat him this way.

    He stayed in that corner, without moving or opening his eyes, for probably a few hours. He heard the vocalist moving around, eating, watching TV, playing with Koron. Like that, he sounded happy. His voice was bright and playful, as he spoke to his other dog.

    Eventually, he saw lights going out, Ruki telling Koron in his still-cheerful and gentle voice that it was getting late. And then, within a heartbeat, his voice changed as he spoke to the guitarist curled in the corner.

    "Come, Aoi."

    The icy tone of voice made his throat swell up a bit. He scrambled to get up as quickly as he could and crawled to where Ruki was standing, ignoring the tears burning the back of his eyes.

    "Sit." One Aoi had done so, Ruki grabbed his shirt and pulled it up over his head, baring his back. "Quiet."

    Aoi bit his tongue again, bracing himself. He bore the barrage of stinging switches again, tasting blood from how hard he was trying to keep himself quiet. When it stopped, he thought for a moment maybe he had failed. But then Ruki grabbed him again, dragging him to the veranda door. It slid open, and Ruki pushed him out.

    "Goodnight. Stay quiet."

    Aoi stayed in place for a few moments after he heard the door close before he turned around, finally lifting his head to look through the door. Ruki was picking up Koron, holding him tightly, before he walked out of the living room. The lights went out, leaving Aoi alone on the tiny veranda in the chilly night.

    It wasn't freezing, but it was cold enough to make him shiver. He huddled down, trying to conserve as much warmth as he could. His body and its twinging, darkening injuries made it a bit harder to bear. It needed to heal, but it needed to keep warm. Aoi tucked his hands under his cheek, hoping to keep them from getting cold. As his body settled into the position he had chosen, a tear slipped free. He rubbed it away, but that only stimulated more to fall, and before he knew it, he was crying, swallowing back the sobs so he could barely even hear himself.

    "I'm so sorry, Ruki. I'm so sorry...!"

    Alone in the chill, unable to sleep, even though he didn't want to, his mind went back to replay it... Ruki's cries and pleads, his fingers digging into Aoi, the sharp slap at the end and the tears...

    Aoi whimpered almost all night and prayed Ruki wouldn't hear him.

 

 ~.oOOo.~

 

    "Ruki... you can't do this to him."

    "He agreed to it," Ruki replied shortly, not looking at Kai.

    "I know he did, but isn't it enough to just humiliate him? Do you really have to abuse him?"

    "Yes." Ruki ignored the twist in his heart as he said it. Of course part of him didn't want to do it. But the better part of him was angry and hurt and felt a bit of healing in putting it back on Aoi. "I do."

    Kai sighed, and Ruki glanced out of the corner of his eye to see Kai looking a bit helpless.

    "He can't live in this condition for long, Ruki. It's only been a week and he looks like he's about to die. He can barely stand up, he doesn't have the strength for it. He can't even hold his guitar. Do you really want to kill our guitarist?"

    "When I feel like he's learned his lesson, I'll stop it."

    "And when will that be, Ruki? When he's in the hospital? Because that's where he'll be pretty soon!"

    "Shut up, Kai." Ruki shoved his bag onto his shoulder. "Aoi, come."

    The dark-haired guitarist came over, shaking on his weak legs, his head down. His black hair, once glossy and soft, now stringy and dull, fell in a curtain around his head, hiding his face from view. But Ruki knew the black circles under his eyes, the pale skin, the clouded eyes, all the signs of sickness and weakness. He saw them every morning when he went to let Aoi into the apartment. He saw them when he allowed the guitarist to bathe and clothe himself, when he would grab a handful of hair and snap Aoi's head back to look him in the face. He knew it. But he didn't want to allow it.

    The part of himself that wouldn't have allowed it at all had been silenced that night and in the aftershocks following.

    "We're going home," he added, leaving the studio and not waiting for Aoi to keep up with him. He did grab the guitarist and haul him into the van, though, so that he wouldn’t have to wait. On the ride home, it was silent. He ignored Aoi, who lay against the side of the car, not moving and barely breathing. Their manager kept glancing back at them in the rearview mirror, but he didn’t say anything, and Ruki preferred it that way.

    Kai was right in that Aoi was getting so weak that he had trouble standing and walking. Ruki didn't pay it much attention, or he tried not to. He waited impatiently as his prisoner had to stop and gather strength after each set of stairs up to his apartment. It began to rain as Aoi mounted the last few, and Ruki could see his breath misting in the air.

    "Get inside," he grumbled, opening the door. Aoi dropped to his hands and knees as soon as his shoes were off and crawled into the apartment proper. There, he made his way to the normal lace of punishment and sat without a sound. His head was down - it had become his default position - and due to it his shoulderblades were high in the air, sharp summits strained with the weight of bearing his submission. He sat still, not moving, as Ruki set down his bag, welcomed Koron who came trotting to him happily. Ruki cradled his Chihuahua tightly, trying to ignore the sharp stabs in his heart as he readied himself to punish Aoi again.

_Stop,_ part of him pleaded from deep inside. _You're killing him._

    Once he had himself together, he put Koron down and went into his room to get the crop before returning. Aoi knew the routine now, and only moved to brace himself for it. Ruki ran the tongue of the crop between Aoi's shoulderblades and down his back. He saw the faint tremble, which he knew Aoi tried to hide, but he enjoyed seeing now. Aoi should fear him. Aoi should respect him. He deserved the punishment. Slowly, Ruki raised the crop and let it fall, striking cleanly across Aoi's lower back. The guitarist, whether he knew it or not, jerked a bit at the whips, quivered, and rebraced himself for the next one.

    Ruki struck with anger and hurt at first, beating Aoi as fiercely as he could, but by the end he just felt aching disinterest. Such a loss of feeling had been happening the past few days, and again, that "normal" bit of himself begged the dominant, angry part of himself to listen to it. He wouldn't. Casting the crop aside, he reached down and grabbed a fistful of the lifeless black hair. Aoi barely moved as Ruki yanked him into the kitchen, only enough to propel himself so Ruki didn't carry all the weight by his scalp. Ruki threw him down, got him his dinner, and put it in front of him. This was where Aoi seemed to have any energy at all - he dove into it, not minding cleanliness or his face anymore, and just went to gulp down as much as he could.

    "Corner," Ruki commanded when he decided Aoi had had enough, and Aoi immediately stopped and made his way back into the living room and curled up in the corner on the hardwood floor. Ruki watched him for awhile, that part of him that felt bad for inflicting this on Aoi rising up yet again, not willing to be completely silenced. But then he shoved it back. He couldn't afford to be emotional about this, not for now.

    He went about the rest of his life normally, trying to ignore the image of Aoi lying in the corner and Kai's angry words. He found he didn't have much appetite and ended up stabbing at his food more than eating it. It was still raining when he finished getting ready for sleep and went to get Aoi. He found the guitarist heavily asleep, his face flushed a bit.

    "Aoi," he said angrily, but didn't get a response. "Aoi!"

    Now he jumped, struggling to push himself up. Before Ruki could grab him and force him up, he crawled, pulling himself with his elbows, to the discipline spot. Even so weak, he was obeying what he knew he was expected to do, even though he didn't want it. That broke Ruki's heart a little bit, so again he tried to ignore it.

    "Belly up."

    Slowly, Aoi rolled onto his back, pulling his shirt up to under his armpits. Ruki picked up the scourge he had on a side table, balancing it in his hand.

    "All of it."

    Aoi hesitated, and Ruki cracked the whip.

    "All of it!"

    The guitarist cringed and moved to undo his belt and pants. When he settled back again, Ruki chewed on his lip as he looked over the bare, bruised and abused body. That inner part of him told him to stop, that it was enough. But then he looked to Aoi's face, and saw the black eyes gazing at him, tired and accepting, and that fuelled his anger. Gripping the handle tightly, he brought down the whip on Aoi as hard as he could and felt a rush of triumph when he saw how deeply it had bitten the skin. Aoi had violently flinched, but he was visibly chewing his lip hard to keep himself quiet.

    "You think you can get away with it?" Ruki demanded, bringing it back down low on Aoi's hips and watching the long, slim body cringe. "You think you can make it up? Take it, motherfucker!"

    In the haze of anger, he didn't realise how harshly he had treated Aoi until he saw the blood. Then he stopped, breathing hard, staring at the crimson smeared over Aoi's thin stomach, hips, chest. The rest of his skin, aside from bruising, was either pink with swelling or pale white from the blows. Aoi was no longer looking at him - his head was to the side, black hair streaming over his face.

    Regaining himself, Ruki said, "Up." No response for a few seconds, so he snapped, "Up!" Then Aoi moved, very slowly, very gingerly, and redressed himself. His hands were shaking violently. Ruki realised he hadn't let out a sound the entire time. He stood, a bit in shock at himself, and started when Aoi, fighting hard, rolled onto his stomach, pushed himself onto his hands and knees, and crawled to the door. There he sat back down, his whole frame quaking, and leaned against the door to wait. No complaints, no fighting back. He just accepted it.

    Ruki felt his throat close off as he stared at Aoi, whose head was pressed against the glass door streaked with rain. Was it too much? Aoi looked like he was completely broken.

_"How does it feel? Me fucking you?"_

_"Please, please stop, Aoi!"_

_"Isn't it nice to have sex with me? My cock in your tight little ass? God, you feel so good... feel how you swallow me up."_

_"Aoi, please...!"_

    The memory spurred him. He walked forward to the door and pulled it open a bit harder than he meant to - it hit the other end and clanged loudly, making Aoi jump. Ruki pushed Aoi with his foot and barked, "Out!" Aoi crawled out, and Ruki slammed the door shut, locking it, ignoring Aoi's form shivering in the rain. He drew the blinds, shut out the lights, and stormed to bed, throwing himself onto it.

    But he started to cry. He buried his face in his pillow, trying to stifle it. His heart wouldn't calm, though, and the sobs became louder and louder until he was bawling like a baby, quivering and screaming into his pillow.

    He didn't want to hurt Aoi. In all honesty, he didn't want to. He felt like he was out of control, like the person exacting revenge wasn't him. He loved Aoi. He didn't want to hurt him or abuse him or neglect him. But Aoi had _raped_ him! Aoi had broken all his trust, ignored his words, and injured him beyond any way Ruki had thought was possible. Even if Aoi felt sorry - which he seemed to, he had agreed to this punishment - it wasn't something Ruki could so easily forget. Not those black eyes that had stared at him, not the violence and the pain and the harsh words. There wasn't any forgetting it until he felt like he was able to rest.

    Ruki wanted to go out, bring Aoi back in, and hold him and apologise for being so terrible. He wanted to cry and ask Aoi to forgive him. But he knew that was opening himself back up to being hurt, and he couldn't stand it if it was Aoi. That angry side of him was more in control than the real him was. So instead he cried himself to sleep, hands twisted in the sheets.

    When he woke not more than a couple hours later, he felt dazed and grumpy. It was still drizzling outside, so he dragged himself out of bed and went to the living room, supposing that even Aoi didn't deserve to freeze to death. When he opened the blinds, he saw Aoi curled up against the glass door, shivering and drenched through. Ruki opened the door and said grouchily, "In."

    It took a few seconds for Aoi to move, and when he did, it was very sluggish, stiff and weak. Ruki reached down, grabbed the back of Aoi's shirt, and dragged him inside, dropping him on the hardwood floor. Aoi slumped, still shivering, water dripping from his hair to puddle on the floor. His eyes were barely open, and they looked a bit glazed. Despite the stronger bit of himself, Ruki couldn't help but feel sorry for him. With a sigh, Ruki went to his linen closet, found a large towel, and took it back out. He sat down beside Aoi's limp form and began drying the guitarist off as gently as he could manage to make himself. Aoi didn't move at all, and a few times Ruki thought he had stopped breathing. But when he pulled the towel away and moved black locks of hair out of his face, he found Aoi gazing up at him with that tired and accepting look again. But he noticed the other light in them, and it scared him a bit. He stood and went to the laundry room, throwing the wet towel into a hamper.

    Ruki hesitated, then got another large, thick towel and went back out to the living room. Aoi still hadn't moved an inch. Ruki said, "Corner," and Aoi struggled up onto his elbows and slowly, exhaustedly, dragged himself to the corner. Once he had made it there and curled up, Ruki unfolded the towel and put it over him like a blanket.

    "Just stay there."

    He went into the kitchen, ignoring how the two sides of himself were arguing. He made some miso soup and took it out, setting it in front of Aoi.

    "Drink it."

    Aoi didn't respond, so with a frustrated sigh, Ruki just left him and went to get a drink. It took him awhile to force himself to drink it, and he put the bottle back in the fridge with a good amount of juice left. He went to where the guitarist was still lying as if dead, noticing that the miso hadn't been touched. Growling, he snapped, "Up!" and Aoi weakly tried to get up onto his elbows. Ruki raised the bowl to Aoi's face and commanded, "Drink!" Aoi hesitated, but when Ruki shoved it against his mouth, the guitarist did as told and began drinking the still-warm soup. Ruki made sure he drank it all before he set the bowl down.

    "Come have a shower."

    He stood and began to walk, paused, looked back. Aoi was struggling to get onto his hands and knees, his limbs shaking violently. Ruki returned, grabbed the back of Aoi's shirt, and hauled him up and across the apartment into the bathroom. He left Aoi in the main part to go start the shower. When the water was warm, he looked back and found Aoi weakly kicking his clothes off. Pity and guilt was building in Ruki as he saw the starved frame, the painfully-red streaks of abuse standing out against clammy white skin. Maybe he had gone too far. He shouldn't have put Aoi out in the rain.

    "Come on," he said quietly to Aoi, who lay, breathing hard, on the floor. "Come have a shower."

    A few moments of no response, but then Aoi managed to pull himself into the shower room and lean up against the side of the bathtub. Ruki took the shower head off the wall and went to Aoi, pouring the water on him. The guitarist cringed initially, probably feeling like the water was scalding, but then relaxed as colour rose into his pale frame.

    "Wash up." He pushed the shampoo and soap to his bandmate, still holding the head to keep Aoi in the warmth. It was very slow, Aoi still weak and probably chilled at the bone, but eventually he finished lathering himself. Ruki allowed himself to wash it all off, even as he was chewing on his lip. Inside he was debating, the anger and pain and the naturally-gentle and caring side clashing so hard he felt his stomach twist sickeningly. It kept him from turning off the water, allowing his prisoner to soak for awhile longer.

    When he managed to get himself together, he turned the water off, got a towel, left it in the bathroom, and went to the spare room to choose clothes for Aoi to wear. He tossed them into the bathroom, where Aoi was huddled and wrapped in his towel, shivering like he was still out in the cold.

    "When you're done, go to your corner," Ruki said, looking away as he said it. He couldn't keep his mask up when he was seeing Aoi suffering like this, as much as the better part of him wanted to. "And stay."

    He stormed into his office and closed the door, just short of slamming it, before dropping into a chair and staring at the corner to try to put his thoughts back in order. It took a few minutes to calm down enough to do it. When he could manage it, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly as he started organising.

    Aoi had raped him. This was an obvious fact, though Ruki himself was still struggling to accept that it had happened. In his worst nightmares, he wouldn’t have thought Aoi would do such a thing to him. The guitarist maybe seemed angry and violent to some people, but he had always been kind and affectionate towards Ruki, always smiling and always gentle. It was why it was so hard to believe that, that night Ruki had asked Aoi to stay, he had ended up pinned to the bed and violently taken, bent in every way probably humanly possible. It was why it was hard to believe that while being violated, he had looked into those familiar eyes and see them filled with such greed and lust that they seemed to take satisfaction in hearing Ruki’s pleads and cries of pain, and hard to believe that when it had finished, Aoi still dared to try to hold him, and when denied, left without another word and let Ruki deal with it alone.

    Ruki shuddered hard, taking a few more deep breaths to steady himself. It was hard to believe, and he still had trouble dealing with the memories because they hurt so much. When the wave of nausea and depression and anger passed, he moved on to the next thought.

    Aoi had agreed to this punishment. He had come back the next day begging Ruki’s forgiveness, saying he had no excuse (of course he didn’t!) and that he would do anything to make it up. He had done it on his knees and in front of Kai and their manager, who had been trying to console Ruki. Aoi had agreed to anything Ruki would demand, including hurt and abuse and neglect. It was only fair, though, wasn’t it, for him to agree to take something similar to what he had put Ruki through? And when Ruki had told him that this was required, he had accepted it knowing full well what it might entail. Kai hadn’t spoken against it at the time. The disapproval had been clear, but he hadn’t opposed it or tried to intervene. So by all reasoning, this was consensual… unlike what Ruki had suffered had been.

    Aoi had raped him, and Aoi had agreed that this was deserved. Ruki had no reason to feel guilty that it was taking its toll. That was the point of it – to make Aoi hurt and suffer and feel humiliation and helplessness. The more the better. And Aoi needed to serve the full sentence. He was halfway through and he hadn’t died yet. Surely he would survive. Ruki might have to make a minor change, but Aoi would survive and maybe he’d feel some sincere regret for having made Ruki feel like nothing more than a toy too. This was healing, to have Aoi at his mercy and to deal as much pain and suffering as possible. Vengeance certainly was sweet. Resolving himself again, Ruki stood and went back into the living room and found Aoi curled up into a tight ball in the designated corner. Still, he was trembling, still his skin was pale as if he were in the cold. Ruki ignored it – with his decision renewed, it was easier to just find Aoi invisible. He felt exhausted again, though, so he went back to bed and slept restlessly until his alarm went off, and he walked back out to start the day officially.

    When he picked up the whip after feeding Aoi dinner, though, and looking at his marred back, Ruki’s certainty wavered again. Aoi had been moving as if on instinct for a few days now – after this long, he would know the pattern – but today the effort he expended to continue doing as he had come to be expected to do seemed tremendous. He hadn’t stopped shaking, though he had been inside in the warmth all day, and seemed listless, any physical effort only making him paler instead of flushing his cheeks. And now he sat, head down, quivering and waiting for punishment but swaying as if about to fall over. Once more, part of Ruki’s heart broke as he looked at this man he was so abusing, who was putting himself through all this out of penitence. But then his hands tightened on the grip, and he let the hurt take over. He brought down the whip hard, and Aoi actually yelped. Ruki was so startled by this that he almost dropped the whip. So far, no matter what he had been subjected to, Aoi hadn’t made a noise of complaint. He had obviously been holding himself back, and he had succeeded. But now, he had let out a noise of pain, and it was unexpected. Ruki stared, seeing the long scratches his blow had inflicted starting to turn the palest pink, crimson peeking at the edges of initial contact. Aoi’s shaking had increased, and if possible his head was now lower, as if ashamed that he had let himself show weakness.

    Part of Ruki said to stop, that this was enough. But again, the anger took over, wanting to hear more of Aoi’s hurt, to hear him scream and cry like Ruki had. Ruki picked up the whip and started striking again with all the strength he could possibly muster. Aoi shuddered and heaved for the first few, but after a couple of wounds had opened, he began whimpering as the abuse continued.

    When Ruki finally threw the tool down, breathing hard and feeling vicious satisfaction, Aoi’s voice had risen to half-sobs, and his shoulders were shaking as if he were choking. This was good. The cruel part of Ruki sneered in approval. Aoi deserved to cry. He deserved to feel betrayed and hurt by someone close to him. Ruki watched in silence, preening his sense of anger and vengeance as Aoi tried to stop weeping. When Aoi was simply gasping and the blood on his back had half-dried, Ruki snapped, “Corner,” and took even more smug satisfaction in watching the guitarist try to scramble to get there as quickly as possible. Grabbing Aoi’s shirt, he threw it on his prisoner’s huddled body and said, “Stay there. Goodnight.” before he left and went into the bathroom to enjoy his sense of victory.

    In the middle of his soak, surrounded by softly-burning candles and warm scent, that Ruki suddenly completely broke down. Everything suddenly came down on him at once, and within a couple of seconds he had gone from relaxed and calm into hysterical sobbing. The memories of that night came back so vividly he could feel them again, and with each stabbing pain, images of what he was doing to his violator flashed in front of him. He grit his teeth to try to hold back the screams, confused and frightened and in pain, but they were still coming out, only half-muffled by his attempts, as he thrashed in the water, wrestling with the flashback of physical and emotional sensations and the add-on of the guilt that was biting at him now. He faintly heard Koron barking, and gasping, he tried to fight for a handle on things, but he couldn’t even get close to reining anything in. He could hear Aoi purring into his ear again with each ripping, raw entrance, the sweet and sick little nothings that belied the actions, and once more he was choking on them and begging for it to end.

    “Stop, stop…”

    “Ruki?”

    “Stop, please stop, please stop…!” Ruki couldn’t survive it again, even if it was just realistic memory. He didn’t want to. It was too much.

    “Ruki, it’s okay.”

    It took a couple moments for him to realise that voice was real. That made him jerk more than anything else did, his terrified eyes catching sight of the starving Aoi by the bath. Aoi was watching him, his face showing true concern, one hand holding his.

    “It’s okay,” he repeated.

    Ruki gaped, heart not beating, unable to breathe, his body locking up from the proximity of the memories to the real thing. Aoi was right here beside him, touching him, talking to him in that voice. Within moments, the terror had given way to sheer hate and anger, and he lunged, striking Aoi across the face.

    “Get out! Get out, you fucking son of a bitch!”

    The guitarist scrambled back, head down, as Ruki screamed at him and clawed at him. Rage had Ruki’s vision pulsing in red. How dare Aoi do such a thing!

    “Get the fuck out! I hate you! If you touch me again I’ll fucking kill you!”

    Aoi was visibly trying to flee, but also too weak to manage it, so he was just desperately trying to crawl away from Ruki’s rage. Ruki clung to the edge of the tub, screeching after him, heart beating in his throat from the shock and the agony of everything.

    “I’ll fucking kill you!”

    The guitarist was out of sight now, leaving Ruki shaking and stiff in the bathroom, half the water from his formerly-relaxing bath spilled onto the floor, candles rolled away and lying extinguished in the flood. Breathing hard, Ruki slumped back into the tub. His whole body was aching now, down into the core, and his heart and mind were in no better shape. He lay there for a long time, until the water was freezing, his fingers were pruned, and his heart finally had stopped racing and he could breathe normally. With effort, he dragged himself out of the tub and went straight to his room, curling up in bed. As he pulled the covers over his head, he realised he had been hearing something in the bathroom that he could still hear now, but much more faintly. He had heard it earlier. Aoi was crying.

    That realisation dragged him back into his own tears, and he hugged a pillow so tightly part of him thought it might burst. This wasn’t fair. It was Aoi’s fault, so why was he crying? Ruki was the only one that deserved to cry. Aoi had only himself to blame for everything. He fell asleep arguing with himself about it and woke still feeling the ache. He lay in bed for awhile, staring dully at the wall, trying to collect himself so he could put the uncaring mask back on and deal Aoi what he deserved. It took quite awhile before he felt he could get out of bed and walk out.

    Aoi was curled up in the corner, as he had been commanded to do, towel spread over his body like a blanket. Ruki could see even from a distance that the guitarist was still shivering, that his skin was still pale, and that he clearly had no strength left. Ruki’s heart steeled itself at that. Good. Everything was the way it should be, then. He went to the kitchen to make breakfast, planning on soup for Aoi again.

    Koron came pattering in and pawed at his leg. The vocalist looked down and finally smiled to see his small dog.

    “Hey. Are you hungry? I’ll get you some food too.”

    The Chihuahua whimpered and pawed his leg again, ears drooping. Concerned, Ruki squatted down and scratched Koron’s ears.

    “What is it?”

    Koron trotted to Aoi, nudging the guitarist with his tiny nose and whimpering. Ruki felt his heart tighten a bit and his lips thin as his dog tried to get Aoi to move, his whining getting louder and louder until he was barking. The vocalist didn’t want to go anywhere near. He felt his pulse pounding remembering how Aoi had touched him last night, been so close and so intimate despite what he had done already! But the longer he stood still, the more Koron barked, until Ruki knew he needed to get him to stop or get complaints from the neighbours.

    He didn’t know why this time, of how long Aoi had been here already, his steps were shaking as he crossed through the kitchen into the living room and to the corner where the marble-white, shivering guitarist was curled. Streaks of dried tears were evident on his face. Koron quieted as Ruki approached, going back to whimpering and scratching at Aoi as if that would stir him. Looking down, Ruki felt nausea and anger and hate fill him again, and he whispered angrily, “You fucking deserve this. You deserved to be left out there all night. You deserve to be hurt!”

    There wasn’t a single movement from the guitarist. Not even his eyelashes fluttered to show he had any conscious realisation of what Ruki was saying. Anger was rising in Ruki, curling his hands into fists, pumping his heart and colouring his vision. Aoi had ruined him, but he was just ignoring Ruki’s words. So what if he was sick! So what if he was cold! He deserved it! Before he could stop himself, Ruki slapped Aoi hard. That startled the bloodshot eyes open, made the guitarist’s starved body tremble. Ruki hit him again, and it was so much more satisfying to hurt him like this than it was with a whip or a crop.

    “Fuck you!” Ruki shouted with each strike, not slowing or stopping, his hands landing on Aoi’s face and head and shoulders, anywhere they possibly could. “Fuck you! You fucking raped me! I trusted you and you tore me apart! You don’t get to lie there like that after what you did to me!”

    Tears were sliding down Aoi’s face again, but the guitarist, like he had most of this time, remained silent and just bore Ruki’s beatings. Ruki hit until he couldn’t anymore, and then his tears came too, so suddenly it stung. His broken sobs wracked his body as he stared down at Aoi, at the skeletal frame and the hints of the red marks of abuse peeking out from under the shirt, trying to get his bearings.

    “How could you do that to me?” Ruki choked, eyes burning with the tears. “How could you… after everything… after everything we’ve been through, how could you? You said you loved me… you said you loved me, and then you raped me like that…! I loved you too… I loved you, and you did this to me… how could you…”

    He broke down, bowing his face into his hands on the floor and sobbing outright as the memories flashed through his mind and body again, the memories of not only his rape but everything he had done to Aoi so far. He was no better. The part of himself that loved hurting Aoi for it told him to stop crying and get over it. But the greater part felt so much more broken now that he was faced with a sick, barely-conscious Aoi who dully accepted whatever he was given.

    “I loved you…!”

    Ruki didn’t know how long he cried there next to Aoi, huddled in shame and disgust and grief, but when he finally came back to himself, he realised that Aoi had moved a hand over his, holding it loosely as if to comfort him. The guitarist’s eyes were closed, and his touch was very cold though his skin was glistening with sweat. Ruki shrank back, scrambling into a corner and curling up again. He stared at Aoi for awhile again, his thoughts struggling so much that he couldn’t form a coherent thought. When he did manage one, he pulled his phone out of his pocket with fumbling fingers and called Kai.

    “Ru? What is it?” came the drummer’s voice when the line picked up.

    Ruki sat in stumped silence, his lip trembling. What did he even say? What was it he wanted?

    “Ru? Are you okay? Has something happened?”

    He didn’t know. He didn’t know what to say. Tears rolled down again, and another choked sob worked its way out of him. It must have been audible enough, because Kai’s voice, clearly tinged with worry, said now, “Hold tight. I’m on my way.” Then the call ended, and Ruki let the phone slip from his fingers to the floor. He watched Aoi warily, emotions still roiling all through him until the doorbell rang. Edging to the door, he opened it and faced Kai, who looked clearly a bit panicked.

    “Ruki, thank god, you’re fine right?”

    The vocalist dropped his head and stepped back, letting his friend in. Kai kept speaking, even as he took off his shoes.

    “I’ve been worried sick about both of you. I know I was upset but I was still thinking of you nonstop. Ruki -“

    Ruki pointed to the living room without saying anything or looking up. The drummer hesitated, but then passed into the hall and living room. Ruki stayed where he was, and he heard the expletive his friend let out. He didn't move or speak. He didn't know what to do. His mind was blank, only wanting to collapse back into crying. He sat down by the door and drew his knees to his chest, staring into the floor. He was only faintly aware of Koron coming to him and nudging his hand. Kai's voice startled him, drawing him back into reality.

    "Ruki, how long has he been like this?"

    The vocalist's eyes met Kai's for a moment before he looked away, feeling more shame under that angry and panicked gaze. Kai swore again, and Ruki now heard the phone dialling. He fell into his own thoughts, not hearing what Kai was saying or noticing what he was doing. All he could think of was everything he had done to Aoi, and everything Aoi had done to him, the expressions the guitarist had worn that nightmarish night and the ones he'd had all the past week. Ruki curled up tightly, fighting back the tears that still burned their way down his cheeks as he trembled, overtaken by his feelings so they were all he heard and saw and smelled and felt.

    "Ru. Ru, it's Kai, I'm right here."

    It was a faint voice, but it slowly grew louder and louder, and then Ruki found himself staring into his knees, felt his body quaking violently, and strong hands on his shoulders. Taking a shuddering breath, he raised his head. Kai was kneeling in front of him, watching him with worried eyes.

    "It's okay. I'm here."

    Ruki slowly looked around. He saw some things had been slightly moved, as if brushed by people walking past, so he asked, "Was someone in here?"

    "Reita and Uruha came to take Aoi to the hospital. You didn't notice them?"

    He shook his head and put his face back in his knees. Guilt was flooding him, making him sick.

    "I think you need to lie down for a bit. Here."

    The drummer helped him to his feet, down the hall, into his bedroom, where Koron was almost immediately on the bed. Ruki willingly collapsed onto the mattress and drew his knees up. Kai sat next to him, patting his shoulder as the Chihuahua snuggled up to him and licked his face.

    "Rest for awhile and we'll decide what to do."

    But almost immediately Ruki was screaming and thrashing, drenched in sweat, and Kai gathered him close to try to comfort him, rubbing his back and telling him, "It was just a dream, it was only a dream," and Ruki dissolved into tears, clutching Kai's shirt and sobbing everything out again even though it felt like he had only just done so next to Aoi's unmoving body on the floor. His friend just held him, telling him over and over he was safe, but Ruki felt like he was being torn apart. The vivid dream, of Aoi pale and streaked with red of abuse, violently taking him again and growling in his ear that it was revenge for bearing his revenge, terrified him of whatever possibility there was that it would actually happen.

    "It was just a dream, Ru. You're safe. It's okay. I'm here, I won't let anything hurt you."

    Ruki cried until he was shuddering, body squeezing him for air so everything gave up and just slumped in exhaustion. Kai still rubbed his back, his comforting presence the only thing preventing Ruki from absolute breakdown. Ruki noticed his nails biting into Kai's skin, and he quickly let go, hiccuping, "I'm s-s-s-sorry-y…"

    "Don't worry about it."

    "Where's A-Ao…?"

    "Still in the hospital. Rei and Uru are there with him right now."

    He nodded, still trembling and fighting back more tears. He didn't know what to think or say anymore. He was so beyond tired of everything.

    "Do you want to go see him?"

    His whole body went stiff, frozen with guilt and fear. Kai almost immediately amended, "You don't have to. I just thought maybe you might want to. I don't know why I thought that. I know you're still hurting."

    Ruki turned his head. Tears were welling up again. He just wanted to cry until he died. He didn't have the energy for anything else.

    "I'll go get you something to drink."

    Kai left the room and shut the door, and Ruki threw himself into his pillows, sobbing with a broken voice. He shouldn't still have tears or voice for crying, but it all came anew, tearing him apart with memories and emotions, remembering Aoi that night, Aoi suffering silently, Aoi pale and passed out on the ground, the nightmares and everything else. He was at a complete loss. He couldn't handle what he had done, even as much as part of him had enjoyed it. He wasn't that person and he was terrified he had become that way. He had hurt Aoi, even though Aoi had hurt him. He didn't know what to do.

    By the time Kai came back in, Ruki had cried himself to unconsciousness again, his thin body shaking. He had descended into nightmares again, as if to punish himself over his guilt. When the drummer managed to shake Ruki awake again, he half-carried the vocalist to the car and drove him to the hospital. Ruki stared out the window the whole way, not even aware of the tears that streamed down his cheeks. He let himself be checked in and taken to a room, but he was too far in his own thoughts and feelings to answer the questions he was asked, and barely noticed when Kai helped him change into pyjamas he didn't even know had been brought along. And he sat in the bed provided, Kai at his side, thinking to himself that somewhere nearby in the building Aoi was lying in his own room, and when the memories came again, he didn't even flinch. He let them take over him, and the only thing he said was, "I'm sorry," before they completely swept him away.


End file.
